Your query will probably work better coming from you as the author. Writing it from a character’s POV is often considered gimmicky.
The best resource I know of for learning to write an effective query letter is the “Query Letter Hell” Share Your Work forum on AbsoluteWrite.com. There are people there who are truly experts – seasoned authors, editors, agents, people who’ve studied and studied how to do it right. There are other forums for workshopping queries, but IMO, they’re the best and most useful.
It would be great if a group for queries could be added here, to help everyone write a more effective one.