@kaylinn57 It’s awesome! 😀 The mom being upset is a great way to draw readers in and I like how the beginning starts off in the MC’s ordinary life, so we can get a sense of what a typical day for her is like (minus the mom baking :P) I really like how you foreshadow that something in your character’s ordinary life is wrong, with sentences like, “at first it was a normal day” and “…I probably would have paid more attention”. XD The only bad thing about all this is that you cut me off from reading more -_- Uhh…that’s all I can think of at the moment 🙂
@downeynl: …you may regret asking 😛
WARNING: I am not responsible for any eyeballs catching on fire -_- 😛
this is from an old WIP…
WHEN I CLICKED on the door to the local library and saw a group of agents guarding the Science and Technology section, my only thought was, ‘Oh crap, they finally caught me.’ After years of skilfully avoiding the Xivlion agents and cleverly dodging their malicious plans to catch me, they had finally caught on that I was the one who was messing with their program. That I was the one they wanted.
I turned my back as I felt a pair of an agent’s eyes land on me. A part of me hoped that the agent who had turned hadn’t seen my face, but another part knew that I was screwed.
I didn’t need to look back to know that the agent was pointing in my direction. Their colleagues were probably all nodding at each other right now, the way they would always seem to communicate with each other without actually saying anything. Then they would pick up their black briefcases and make their way over to me.
My gut shrivelled up as the agents approached, their sleek black shoes making a sort of soft clopping sound on the grey carpet floor. Behind their dark shades, I bet their computer generated eyes were smirking with delight. Agents in Xivlion always wear suits. There was probably some unspoken code about that.
Just play it cool, I told myself as the last of the agents met up with the rest of the group which was surrounding me.
“Are you Drummerguy442?” one of the agents asked me.