@zdemarco or Dawn. I still haven’t figured out how to tag your name in the message.
This is a lot better. It’s starting with some excitement and jumping right into the story. Is it too far into it? I wouldn’t know without a super detailed outline.
The negatives are that I get lost in this a bit. When I first read it I wasn’t sure if Cole was the MC or not. It also has a bit too much info for an action scene, especially a first pager. If you decide to keep this scene I would describe it in a way that we can really feel like we’re there.
He’s running, adrenaline pumping, woah another lightning bolt! He’s running from Cole, oh why can’t it be like the old days? ack! duck behind a rock.
You know. This is an exciting scene. Don’t take too much away from the excitement by telling us a lot of back-story instead of showing us and feeling the scene.
Another option I was going to say after first reading your journal entries was – that could be a great scene. If you took what happened in the journal entries and wrote it more “live action” it would be interesting, show insight into the character’s personality, some action with the fight, then suddenly the game on tv is interrupted with the news about shape-shifters. Whether the scene is needed or not, I don’t know. It might be better to get right to the story, like your most recent beginning, but like i said, that depends on the book.
Wow, that was a long post. Hey if you ever want to workshop or brainstorm some more I live for this stuff, so feel free to message me.