Re: First Page

#4532

quinnykins
Participant

@xaenyth – Overlooking the spelling errors it’s a good start, I wouldn’t say a great start however. A few sentences don’t flow well and I found I had to go back and read a few sentences again making sure I took all of it in. For example:

“The calm of the flickering candles calmed the torrent in his mind and combined with the strong aroma of incense he inhaled every time he forced himself to take a shallow breath, eased his aching soul.”

We know the candles calmed him as you addressed that point with using calm at the start. Cut one of those ‘calms’ out. The next bit is a tad jumbled so maybe break it down like so:

“The candles were calming. The incense settled something within him, and even though his breathing was shallow he found himself relaxing deeply.”

Then you could lead in with the next section, where the priest is introduced. Keeping it in the same paragraph. Many things are just sentence order and bringing together the scene without covering ground repeatedly.

It’s not a genre I would read normally so unfortunately it doesn’t capture my interest as it would if it was high fantasy. The idea behind this first part is good but I should be kept reading after the first sentence. The cliffhanger or the point to continue comes a little late for me.