Perhaps the first paragraph might be more helpful.
That said, some of your first lines are WONDERFUL!!! Far better than mine. My first sentence:
Have you ever smelled a hospital?
Pretty lame. You should have seen it in the first 25 drafts. 🙂
My first paragraph:
Have you ever smelled a hospital? It’s like poison, antiseptic, barf and death all rolled up in a band-aid. It’s why my eyes keep tearing. Or maybe it’s allergies. The smell alone could make anybody sick. Could even kill them.