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Re: First Sentences

Home / Forums / List of Forums / Young Adult / First Sentences / Re: First Sentences

#4460

Tracy Rohlfing
Participant

Wow. I’m so glad everyone jumped in :o)

@jenn I love your 1st sentence, I would totally want to keep reading about why she’s in a tower again. And yes Ems leaving for the summer.

@heidi I like yours, I’m obviously getting yours is from a boys POV but is that assuming too much? I’m wondering where he’s at that he sees her. who is she? Is she his age? I’d keep reading. Also you are dead on , I do need to add some sort of emotion about how she’s feeling about leaving. Thnx!

@nefaerious I like your description in your prologue sentence I had a good visual. But I didn’t know what umbral meant, I had to look it up. is that bad? I’m getting a dark paranormal vibe, that’s cool. I wonder why she’s shaking. I’d keep reading to find out why. What’s she scared of or upset by?

@laura I’m wondering why he’s everywhere she went. Is he a figment of her imagination? Ghost? mortal? but I agree 100% with what @lyrwriter said.

@Jani I’m really curious about yours. How, why was she making her sick? How can you follow it? I want to know! and you’re so right, I need to show how Ems feeling.

@theresa I have to agree w/ @lyrwriter. I feel like I’ve read that somewhere before. I think you can start out so much stronger. But it does make me wonder what’s this poor person been through. And now that you point it out, I totally see that I don’t need “children” in my sentence. It’s already implied. Thnx for pointing that out! :o)

@lyrwriter I like yours. There are an endless things he might not be ready for but there’s tea involved. I’m thinking an older gentleman. What’s he hesitant about? I think you’re right on about dropping the “resembling” on mine and children’s toy model didn’t sound great to me right off the bat but nothing else was coming to mind. I will keep searching.Thnx!

@kaylinn57 I’m getting fantasy or paranormal feel because of the ring. What does the ring do? what’s it telling her? Why is her mom having meltdowns. Sounds like maybe the roles are reversed, the child is taking care of the mother. and like @jessicafriday I’m getting a 14ish feel.

@jessicafriday Yeah, I’m getting that maybe there are some backpackers and maybe will is lagging behind or reluctant. But if you already think Wills response would be stronger I’d go w/ that.

Thnx to everyone for the valuable feed back!

Maybe in a week or two we should re post w/ revised 1st sentences?