@kaylinn @tracy Rohlfing – Thanks! I had this “feeling” that something was off about the opening, but didn’t even consider the first sentence, more the 250 words as a whole. It’ll definitely be stronger w/the other line.
@shakespeare – Love it! Everyone can relate to a smelly hospital and.. smells that kill? Interesting… Crit: “Or maybe it’s allergies” pulls me out a bit, but that might just be the voice and I’d have to read on to see.
@tracy Rohlfing – Great idea about posting the revisions. Perhaps there could be a “First Para/First X#of Words” thread as well.
Might get a little outta hand, though, if the amount of feedback here is any indication. 😉