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Re: First Sentences

Home / Forums / List of Forums / Young Adult / First Sentences / Re: First Sentences

#4462

monicasanz
Participant

This is pretty awesome so I thought I’d join it 🙂

@jenn It’s been said before, but I too agree that the second half could be a bit wordy. You can play with arranging the words differently, or even cutting some out. Like Tracy said, you can always add ‘yet’ or something like “Princess Arianna was not surprised to find herself living in a tower. After all, she lived in towers her whole life.” Again, this is just an idea, more to show that either option can work. But good start and I immediately want to know why she is in a tower. Makes me think of Rapunzel 🙂

@heidi I love it. In my head, I immediately went “such a male,” but I laughed so that’s a good sign.

@nefarious Though it just needs to be tightened a bit, I love the emotion. Her hands shaking makes me think she’s scared and it’s amazing that you conveyed that in one sentence. Good starting ground 🙂

@tracy Like others have said, some emotion would be great. It doesn’t have to be drawn out, something as simple as blowing out a breath, or extending a blink. The Bookshelf Muse has this awesome Emotion Thesaurus that might be of some help. http://thebookshelfmuse.blogspot.com/2008/01/introducing-thesaurus-thursdays.html

@laura I like your opening sentence. Gives an air of mystery straight off the bat and I would totally keep reading.

@Jani I get your first sentence and I actually like the ‘follow the feeling part’. It’s interesting the way you phrased it.

@theresa What is your sentence after that? Maybe you can start at how life smacked her in the face. Just an idea.

@shakespeare I like it. The only thing is that when you ask a reader a question it’s with the belief that the reader will agree with your answer. Not everyone thinks that hospitals smell like barf and poison, you know? But, it isn’t about what the reader thinks. We the reader want to know what the narrator/main character thinks of the smell. So maybe starting at the second part and incorporating that she is in a hospital could help? Just a thought, but good start. I do love the ‘rolled up in a band-aid’ part 🙂

@lyrwriter Instant hook 🙂 Short, sweet and to the point.

@Kaylinn Good start. I immediately have an emotional investment in the MC seeing as she is dealing with a mother having a break down. It’s a good start 🙂