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Re: First Sentences

Home / Forums / List of Forums / Young Adult / First Sentences / Re: First Sentences

#4446

Anonymous

Tracy–I couldn’t pull up the link, but I’ll still take a stab at your first line! First–lots of good questions here. Where is she going? Where is she coming from? What is she feeling about the change? And I guess that last question is where I’d like a bit more of a hint–how she feels about this change. I think that would help me to identify with Em a little more right from the first line. A possible way to do it is the movement she does when looking out the window. “Propped her chin on her fist” doesn’t really clue me into what she is feeling–perhaps a more telling movement–like pressing her fingertips against against the glass and as if she could imprint the contours of the buildings and streets on her fingertips. Or maybe she wants to leave–sinking back in her seat to try and increase the distance between her and the city below–even just those added inches a relief. But I love the metaphor here. And I am definitely eager for the second line!

Jenn-Ohh…sets me up in fantasy world immediately, which I love! Great questions–the overriding ones are why she is in a tower now and why she was in one before. The Princess part has me intrigued–wondering if this is a fairy tale. My only suggestion would be that it feels a bit wordy–mostly “and was therefore not much”. Maybe–Princess Arianna wasn’t surprised to find herself in yet another tower? That one doesn’t have the same punch–but just an idea.

Mine is so going to change, but at present it is: I slide into the seat across from a blonde girl with a sweater that stretches just tight enough over her boobs to make my imagination summersault. More like four backflips followed by a handspring.

I cheated and added the additional fragment. I know it is too wordy. I’m not great at first lines. So I am excited to read others and learn!