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Re: First Sentences

Home / Forums / List of Forums / Young Adult / First Sentences / Re: First Sentences

#4507

Chiaki
Participant

My origional goal was to leave a comment on everyone’s first sentences, but five pages is a lot of sentences to go through. So, I just decided to pick a handful, all of which are from the first page :/ I’ll probably go back andf comment on the other pages later on, though šŸ™‚

@tracy: I like how you described the city “resembling a children’s toy model.” It enables readers to picture exactly what your protagonist is seeing, and who hasn’t thought of a city that way before? Whenever I’m in a plane, I love to picture squashing all the little “toy” cars XD However, if I have one suggestion, it’s too maybe show what your MC is feeling. Is she disturbed about something…? You should show that in the first sentence. Other than that, awesome sentence ^O^

@jenn: I love your first sentence! It has personality and pulls readers in instantly šŸ˜€ It reminds me of Rapunzel, but then it has the twist (another tower? what’s going on? what could have happened to this princess to be locked up again?). I wouldn’t change it šŸ™‚

@nefaerious: I LOOF how your sentence has action and emotion together. By showing that Elianna’s hands are shaking, you’re showing readers that she’s nervous about something. That there’s a disturbance in her seemingly normal world. Awesomeness.

@Jani: If I saw a sentence like that while browsing the book store, I would instantly keep reading. Why is she making the MC sick? Why does he/she even hang out with her, then? šŸ˜€

A lot of authors and agents say that you shouldn’t open your book with your character waking up. However, I did this anyway. Don’t be afraid to completly thrash this sentence-it won’t hurt my feelings. I somewhat hate it as well, anyway -_-

I woke up at midnight covered in blood.

-_- *stabs evil sentences that won’t cooperate*