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Re: First Sentences

Home / Forums / List of Forums / Young Adult / First Sentences / Re: First Sentences

#4512

cehart
Participant

@tracy Rohlfing – Interesting post! I like your first sentence. I could easily picture the description. As others have stated, it might be strengthened by infusing it with her feelings of leaving the city. Is she relieved? Saddened? Numb? Saying why she is feeling that way isn’t important yet, but expressing it stimulates stronger interest. I love the imagery you’ve created in just one sentence.

@jenn – I like the feel of your opening sentence. It makes it clear to the reader that they are about to delve into a Princess world.  Taking out the word ‘had’ omits passive voice. I agree with others who’ve pointed out the sentence is slightly wordy. I feel omitting ‘and was’ and ‘much’ would remedy that. I’m intrigued! I want to know about Arianna.

@heidi – I wouldn’t change a thing. This line creates a strong image and made me laugh. 

@laura – This is intriguing. Perhaps you could expound on it just a tad. Maybe clarify how she feels about him being everywhere she is. Does it distress or frighten her, or makes her tingle with excitement? It would pique a stronger interest if I knew how she felt about his presence.

@nefaerious – I really like your first sentence. It makes me want to read more—to know why her hands are trembling. 

@Jani – Your first sentence gets right to the point. I likey!

@lyrwriter – Good opening sentence(s). Gives a good feel for your character. 

@theresa – I really like the voice of your first sentence. I agree with lyrwriter—it might be strengthened by changing it from a question to a declarative sentence.

@kaylinn57 – I’m not sure what ‘the ring’ is, but it’s piqued my interest! One suggestion: You might omit ‘almost-complete’ from the latter part of the sentence. It makes it slightly wordy and isn’t really needed. Stating she had a meltdown is sufficient. I would definitely read more. 

@jessicafriday – I’m left wondering why Marcus is shouting – and why he’s on a fallen tree. I have two small suggestions. If he is shouting, you might want to use an exclamation point. Also – by using this punctuation, you eliminate the need for the dialogue tag. “Come on, Will!” Marcus stepped out onto the fallen tree.

Yikes! I just realized there are several pages to this post, so I’ll have to comment on some of the others a little later. LOL