@tracy – Agreed with the others. Second version is much better for me!
@kshippo8 – I like your simile, but I think removing the word ‘looking’ would make it easier to read for me. Also, puddle suggests stagnant water — stream or river would suggest more movement. I love alliteration… river of red rubies 🙂 But I wouldn’t actually suggest using it, mind you.
Okay… *takes deep breath* Here is my before/after. Keep in mind I had no idea how important first sentences were until I happened upon LWC. So I’m not really counting the “before.”
Before: “Come on, Will,” shouted Marcus as he walked out onto the fallen tree.
After: Grandad always said, “Life don’t begin without a lil’ danger,” but that didn’t make crossing a forty-foot ravine by way of a narrow log any easier for Will to swallow.