Home / Forums / List of Forums / Young Adult / First Sentences: Revised / Re: First Sentences: Revised

Re: First Sentences: Revised

Home / Forums / List of Forums / Young Adult / First Sentences: Revised / Re: First Sentences: Revised

#4966

jessicafriday
Participant

@tracy – Agreed with the others. Second version is much better for me!

@kshippo8 – I like your simile, but I think removing the word ‘looking’ would make it easier to read for me. Also, puddle suggests stagnant water — stream or river would suggest more movement. I love alliteration… river of red rubies 🙂 But I wouldn’t actually suggest using it, mind you.

Okay… *takes deep breath* Here is my before/after. Keep in mind I had no idea how important first sentences were until I happened upon LWC. So I’m not really counting the “before.”

Before: “Come on, Will,” shouted Marcus as he walked out onto the fallen tree.

After: Grandad always said, “Life don’t begin without a lil’ danger,” but that didn’t make crossing a forty-foot ravine by way of a narrow log any easier for Will to swallow.