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Re: First Sentences: Revised

Home / Forums / List of Forums / Young Adult / First Sentences: Revised / Re: First Sentences: Revised

#4959

Tracy Rohlfing
Participant

Original: Em propped her chin on her fist and stared out the plane window watching her city miniaturize into something resembling a children’s toy model.

Everyone suggested I add some sort of emotion, which I agreed it needed. So this is what I came up with.

Revised: Em propped her chin on her fist watching her city dwindle to a tinier version of itself, she wished the memory of the night before would do the same.

or

Propping her chin on her fist, Em watched as her city dwindled to a tinier version of itself, secretly wishing the memory of the night before would do the same.