Re: I Need Help!

#5937

jabberwocky3
Participant

This might be persnickty… but here are my thoughts.

I think the first sentence of the first paragraph and the first sentence of the second paragraph are saying the same thing and if there not, then for me I’m confused. As it stands, I think the locket has put Tamin in the throne of being the chosen one, has started the war and given her powers? (That’s one hell of a locket, where can I get one? :D)

“Ages old Conflict” doesn’t jive right, try saying it outloud. Is there a synonym you could replace ages with, maybe millenium old or centuries old.

Does Tamin create the war or is the war already en route? From this synopsis it sounds like the locket creates the war. It’s a central artifact, you need to specifiy that more.

How essential is it to the storyline that Tamin doesn’t know her father? If it isn’t essential to the storyline, nicks it in the synopsis.

I agree with Dorothy that most of this seems non-specific.

The reader needs to know the basic elements of this: Tamin’s role as the MC heroine, the locket’s power/purpose, the war already there or coming, and if its essential to the storyline, the relationship between Tamin and this man she is falling for. I think your last sentence is a good speal: But Tamin must choose wisely, because even the seemingly good guys have dark motives, and in a world that shouldn’t exist, not even the man whom she is coming to love can be trusted.

Thanks! I hope this helps – Erica