Re: Irikar, Act 1 Bit 1

#4889

xaenyth
Participant

Repetition seems to be an issue here. You use gut, stomach, then stomach again twice. In the second sentence you used “arrow large, piercing…” The next sentence, “the large arrow that pierced…”

I’m not sure what you’re trying to achieve with this opening, but I was distracted by the repetition and had a hard time getting past it.

It sounds like you might have something good underneath it. It’s hard to tell yet.