Re: Looking for some honest truth

#5976

risu
Participant

Jenny mentioned earlier about the low-stakes romance and I have to agree with her assessment. Though the second version is better, it shines Jane in a bad light, telling us that Jane is blind and stubborn and cowardly. Rather than explain to her well-meaning parents of her love, she’d rather hide it as if embarrassed. It creates more empathy for her parents than it does for her.

Also like Jenny said, the romance does feel more like back story and the real adventure doesn’t seem to start until the pirates arrive.

To make this fit more of the sci-fi/fantasy audience that this looks to be geared toward, I’d recommend maybe cutting down the romance to just a few lines without explaining the justifications, and jump right in with the pirates.

Also, the first version ended with a “DUN-DUN-DUN” with Shaun’s finding Jane before it’s too late, but the second version lacks any sort of tension hook at the end. It could easily be misconstrued as “Jane finds her own place in the Kosmos without Shaun. The end.”

Since you’d like to focus on both characters equally, then here is an idea on how to shorten things up.

Shaun runs the family tavern. Jane’s lawyer father has declared she will marry nothing less than a well-to-do doctor. Rather than forever keep their forbidden love a secret, they decide to run off together. Their happy-ever-after is interrupted when blood-thirsty pirates from a different dimension kidnap Jane and leave Shaun for dead.

Shaun sets out to find his own way to the Kosmos and rescue Jane with the help of a barkeep, a crippled war veteran, and a crew of drunken lowlifes. Meanwhile, Jane is confined to the pirate ship where she must deal with a stubborn captain and his rude crew, as well as a first mate who helplessly wants her love. Will Shaun find and rescue Jane? Or will he be too late?