Re: Looking for some honest truth

#5971

jenny
Participant

I think it could use some revision. It feels disjointed and I don’t think it’s getting the actual plot across very well. Here’s my reaction:

The first part sounds both fairly low-stakes and not very well supported. There’s no “Jane is being prevented from seeing Shaun, her parents are trying to run him out of town or ruin her life unless she breaks up with him” kind of thing, just “they don’t really like him.” And assuming this is modern times, Jane’s parents’ attitude seems very dated, especially when the class difference is bartender vs. lawyer, not McDonald’s janitor vs. CEO or similar. (Also, he’s not just a bartender; he’ll be the owner of a small business.)

And the description of the romance is long enough that it makes me think it’s a romance novel. Coupled with the low stakes, it’s not enticing in and of itself.

Then the pirates show up. Given that I had assumed this was a romance, this is a total shock. (Of course, if this were the back of a book I’d know the genre already.) This is a much higher-stakes setup–Shaun must journey into a totally strange land to find his endangered love–but there’s not much description of it, so I don’t know enough to care. Also, it doesn’t have anything to do with the first half of the description; Jane’s parents presumably can have no effect on his search for Jane.

Also, the first part sounds like Jane is the main character, and the second part sounds like Shaun is.

I could see this being a really good story, but I don’t think the current description conveys that.