@london – The same person read both versions.
@jenny – Thanks for the link.
The first version dropped right into the action and kept on going and going and going. :/ There was no stopping to breathe so I tried to fix that in this version by drawing it out more, but the scenes I added didn’t move the story forward the way I wanted and slowed it down in a bad way instead.
So now I’m kind of confused.
Is there a way to be able to tell for yourself if your pacing is off or do you think that’s something you can only really know by letting other people read it?