Re: Please tell me what you think!



While you have a good premise, you’ve made a very common mistake many amatuer writers make; you tell too much. This reads more like a badly written newspaper report than a story. Take the time to describe the action, setting, and character’s (or characters’ if you’re going to head hop) thoughts and feelings so that readers will be drawn in. On a final note, your spelling needs work; either use spellcheck or get a proofreader to check.