Re: Queries

#4395

Ladonna
Participant

@Jen
You are so brave to do this. Ah, the blasted query letter. How I loathe you. I’ll put brackets around my comments again my opinion.

Dear Agent:

Prince Calder departs(This is great but maybe a stronger verb here) to rescue the kidnapped Princess Arianna. He expects dangers. But there is one thing he does not expect: the narrator(I like that and makes me want to know more).

‪Fed up with the author’s cliché plot, Pennington orders Calder to ignore the kidnapped princess. He will create a more engaging story. Calder doesn’t believe him(That he’ll give a more engaging story? i wasn’t sure.) and, determined to be a hero, refuses.

Then Pennington completely rewrites Calder’s backstory. Suddenly Crown Prince Calder…isn’t. He’s lost his inheritance and the confidence that he’s not a storybook character in one sentence.

Now Calder’s story is no longer what it seems. Does Arianna still need to be rescued? Is he surrounded by friends or by enemies? Is he the Crown Prince or the youngest son?(Here I might lose the questions. Susan Dennard has a great link to query letters. http://susandennard.com/2010/11/29/how-i-got-my-agent-part-1-the-prep/ . She also sent me something called Writing a query letter from the ground up. if you want it, just send me an email, so I can give you the attachment)

Losing his sense of identity, he clings to his quest, determined – at all costs – to beat the narrator and end his story, his way.(Nice. I think you can make this bang a little sweeter. Since someone is changing his life.)

THE NARRATOR is an 80,000* word young adult fantasy told from multiple points of view.
I hope something helps. Again, my opinion. Like–keep. don’t like–delete.
Thank you for your time and