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First draft ”Taking over Helix” snippet

Home / Forums / List of Forums / Literary Fiction / First draft ”Taking over Helix” snippet

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  • #3233

    sinsoftheflesh
    Participant

    In this snippet Sora my heroine is swearing her oath to Helix. Taking her place as leader Sora has to accept this position from her murderous uncle Cerny. This piece is a little rough, a first draft. I spent a lot of time making a brand new first chapter to replace the all tell and no show first chapter I did have. After that of course I needed to redo the rest I had already written. Yes my grammar is a little off, but there is a real gem underneath the rough rock surrounding my book.

    “Ma’am, it’s time. Everyone is assembled and awaiting your arrival.”

    Jessie and I walk toward the meeting hall. It tickles when she suddenly grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. I have bin waiting for this moment for a long time, but that doesn’t make me any less nervous. I take a deep breath hoping to calm my nerves.

    “Are you ready ma’am?” The guard is waiting for my response.

    “You will do just fine Sora. If you get to nervous just look at me, and remember why you are hear.” Jessie will always be my rock. She knows just what to say.

    “It wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t wearing this dress. I would be more comfortable in my own clothes.” Tradition is tradition though, and it’s time for me to go in.

    “Okay, open the doors.”

    I take one last deep breath, hoping I don’t look as nervous as I feel. Walking through the crowd, down the path made for me, every person in the room is staring. I feel as if they all know something I don’t and they’re waiting for me to figure it out. I smile, nod and wave as I go to take my place in front of the council.

    My uncle walks up to stand in front of me. He holds out the Helix rule book created by our first leader. Placing my hand on the cover I can feel every little crack and crevice in the old leather.

    “Sora do you swear to follow and uphold our rules set forth by your ancestors? To unselfishly put the lives of your people before your own, until you have drawn your last breath. To rule your people with kindness, understanding, and strength till you can no longer do so.”

    I can almost see the wheels spinning in his head, as he struggles to keep a strait face. His face twitching, I am the only one close enough to see.

    “I swear it.” And I actually mean it, unlike you.

    He steps forward to address the crowd. “It is my pleasure to finally see my niece take her place as head of Helix. I was blessed to watch her grow into the strong young woman that stands before you today. I know if her parents could have been here, they would be proud of her. I only hope that my being here by her side is comforting. I think I’ll stop now before I start sounding like a blubbering old fool. Sora.”

    I just want to scream at him and tell them all what a liar he is. Its a struggle to keep my composure as I step up to speak.

    “Thank you, uncle Cerny.” I freeze as I look at all the faces out there. That’s when I notice in the shadows of the corner of the room, a man. I can’t quite make out his face. I wonder if he is one of my uncle’s men, I cant tell from here.

    “Sorry. I have looked forward to this moment for a long time. My father meant everything to me as I know he did to many of you. He was a good wise man and strong leader. He was always willing to help those in need, Be them mutant or human. I wont to be that to all of you. Not only your leader but your friend. I want you to feel comfortable coming to me, no mater what your concerns may be. I can only hope I do my father’s memory proud, that I do all of you proud. Helix has always been important to me, every member like family. Especially after my father’s death when many of you were there for me and my mother, and for me after her passing.” I fight back tears, but have to wipe my eyes. Those who knew my parents well, bow their heads in sorrow.

    “We must stand together now, not as mutants, not as members of Helix, but as family. We are the future of this world, and together I believe we can save it from destruction once again. We have less then a year until the prophesied war. I know there are some who are skeptical and unsure of my ability to lead. I know this may be in part because I am the first woman to lead in the history of Helix, and I have not trained with any of you. I would like to give a demonstration, at the council’s convenience of course. Allow me the chance to show you I am strong enough, that I’m ready to lead our people into the new world and into battle.”

    Their response was more than I expected. Every person in the room applauding, cheering for me. Even the stranger in the corner claps his hands, a glint of a smile on his face. My uncle remains silent, glaring at me with as much anger he can muster. His face reddens with the strain to keep control. I step down from the platform. Those who knew my parents well are the first to shake my hand and congratulate me. My mind is elsewhere, far from here. The only thing I want now is to deal with my uncle.

    #5562

    laura
    Keymaster

    Hi Maria, thanks for posting, leaves the reader wanting more!
    In future can you please avoid cross posting between groups – a maximum of 2 groups is ok, 3 is too many. Thanks!

    #5563

    sinsoftheflesh
    Participant

    Thank you! I am sorry, most of the time I don’t get feed back, that’s the only reason I did it. I won’t again. If you want to check out more of it I love to hear from others: http://artfulhelix.wordpress.com/ Thank you again, that is good to hear!

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