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First Sentences: Revised

Home / Forums / List of Forums / Young Adult / First Sentences: Revised

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)
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  • #3045

    laura
    Keymaster

    The thread, First Sentences, was one of our most popular and very, very fruitful!
    How has the feedback helped you? Leave both your original and your revised first sentence here and let’s see the progress!

    #4959

    Tracy Rohlfing
    Participant

    Original: Em propped her chin on her fist and stared out the plane window watching her city miniaturize into something resembling a children’s toy model.

    Everyone suggested I add some sort of emotion, which I agreed it needed. So this is what I came up with.

    Revised: Em propped her chin on her fist watching her city dwindle to a tinier version of itself, she wished the memory of the night before would do the same.

    or

    Propping her chin on her fist, Em watched as her city dwindled to a tinier version of itself, secretly wishing the memory of the night before would do the same.

    #4960

    Anonymous

    @TracyRohlfing The second sounds better to me. Especially the part “secretly wishing”. It sounds more natural in the content than only “she wished”.
    But I´m not sure why you changed “resembling a children´s toy model” into “the memory of the night before”.

    #4961

    Tracy Rohlfing
    Participant

    @fabienne I changed “resembling a childrens toy model” to “a tinier version of itself”

    #4962

    Jani
    Participant

    @tracy that sounds so much better and now that I know what your ms is about, this sort of makes sense. Even without an idea it still sounds great. Now I want to know what happened the night before! I like the second version.

    I’m leaving my first line like it is since most of you seemed to like it.

    #4963

    kshipp08
    Participant

    My first sentence is really short and from my prologue.

    “Blood ran down the street looking like a puddle of red rubies.”

    #4964

    Jani
    Participant

    @kshippo I like your first sentence but I would suggest taking out ‘puddle’ because if the blood runs down the street, it can’t puddle.
    Maybe: Blood ran down the street looking like a river or red rubies.

    #4965

    laura
    Keymaster

    @tracy, WOW huge improvement!! I love it.
    @kshippo8, I like it a lot. My only concern is that a puddle stands still, so why it’s running seems awkward. Perhaps another word to help us to visualize the pace and consistency of the blood? Is it a trickle or a river?

    #4966

    jessicafriday
    Participant

    @tracy – Agreed with the others. Second version is much better for me!

    @kshippo8 – I like your simile, but I think removing the word ‘looking’ would make it easier to read for me. Also, puddle suggests stagnant water — stream or river would suggest more movement. I love alliteration… river of red rubies 🙂 But I wouldn’t actually suggest using it, mind you.

    Okay… *takes deep breath* Here is my before/after. Keep in mind I had no idea how important first sentences were until I happened upon LWC. So I’m not really counting the “before.”

    Before: “Come on, Will,” shouted Marcus as he walked out onto the fallen tree.

    After: Grandad always said, “Life don’t begin without a lil’ danger,” but that didn’t make crossing a forty-foot ravine by way of a narrow log any easier for Will to swallow.

    #4967

    Tracy Rohlfing
    Participant

    @KsHippo8 I agree w/ Jani, Laura and Jessica. Maybe more of a “The blood trickled down the street like a river of rubies.” I do like the use of the word “rubies”

    @jani I’m glad you’re leaving yours.

    @Jessica I like the new one much better than the first. Now I know that Will isn’t just lagging behind, he’s reluctant because it’s dangerous.

    #4968

    Anonymous

    @tracy Oh, okay. But I liked the children toy metaphor.

    @kshipp08 I like the blood idea (can a first sentence with blood be something other than creepy and interesting?) But you could maybe say: “A thin line of blood ran down the streets, making a puddle and glistened like red rubies.”

    @jessica Well, I like the first sentence as well. But the second is great, too. But I would show a little more awkwardness and maybe fear in the new version. What does Will feel at the moment? That would be more intersting.

    #4969

    Tracy Rohlfing
    Participant

    @fabienne If you go to the first sentences forum (if you feel like it or have time) you can see where a lot people thought that a model was associated w/ a children’s toy so it was kind of a duplicate. And I wasn’t loving the word “model”.

    Also, I like your suggestion for @kshippo8 sentence.

    #4970

    Anonymous

    @tracy Okay, that´s understandable. Really, it sounds awkward, the model word. And without it? Just “like a child´s toy” or so?
    It´s just that I think metaphors are great in first sentences. 😉

    Thanks.

    #4971

    Chiaki
    Participant

    Everyone’s revised sentences sound great!

    @tracy yeah, I really like the second one better, too.

    @kshippo8, I love it! I think everyone pretty much covered my CC

    @Jessica: BAM! I LOVE THE SECOND ONE XD dunno why I said bam…. <.<

    #4972

    Tracy Rohlfing
    Participant

    Speaking of first lines, there’s a contest w/ ARC prizes ~ today’s the last day to enter.

    http://www.yahighway.com/2011/08/ya-highway-first-lines-contest.html

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