August 22, 2011 at 9:33 am #4505
It’s more like they are wearing shoes, so don’t worry.August 23, 2011 at 1:47 am #4506
Still gross :pAugust 24, 2011 at 10:52 pm #4507
My origional goal was to leave a comment on everyone’s first sentences, but five pages is a lot of sentences to go through. So, I just decided to pick a handful, all of which are from the first page :/ I’ll probably go back andf comment on the other pages later on, though 🙂
@tracy: I like how you described the city “resembling a children’s toy model.” It enables readers to picture exactly what your protagonist is seeing, and who hasn’t thought of a city that way before? Whenever I’m in a plane, I love to picture squashing all the little “toy” cars XD However, if I have one suggestion, it’s too maybe show what your MC is feeling. Is she disturbed about something…? You should show that in the first sentence. Other than that, awesome sentence ^O^
@jenn: I love your first sentence! It has personality and pulls readers in instantly 😀 It reminds me of Rapunzel, but then it has the twist (another tower? what’s going on? what could have happened to this princess to be locked up again?). I wouldn’t change it 🙂
@nefaerious: I LOOF how your sentence has action and emotion together. By showing that Elianna’s hands are shaking, you’re showing readers that she’s nervous about something. That there’s a disturbance in her seemingly normal world. Awesomeness.
@Jani: If I saw a sentence like that while browsing the book store, I would instantly keep reading. Why is she making the MC sick? Why does he/she even hang out with her, then? 😀
A lot of authors and agents say that you shouldn’t open your book with your character waking up. However, I did this anyway. Don’t be afraid to completly thrash this sentence-it won’t hurt my feelings. I somewhat hate it as well, anyway -_-
I woke up at midnight covered in blood.
-_- *stabs evil sentences that won’t cooperate*August 24, 2011 at 11:01 pm #4508
Thnx for the feed back 🙂 I have been deciding on how to add emotion to that sentence.
if you hate your sentence anyway, then that’s probably the red flag you need to change it. You are right, it is one o f the no-no’s unless it’s done great.
It has me wondering why someone would wake up at mid night covered in blood. this may be dark but the first thing I think of is someone lying next to them was butchered. Or maybe they hurt themselves in their sleep?
I do think it could be stronger.August 25, 2011 at 4:42 am #4509August 25, 2011 at 11:38 am #4510
@Chiaki The idea of the sentence sounds good. Waking up in blood promises you a lot of action.
Anyway, I think the first part’s kind of weak. But I would keep the “covered in blood” thing.August 25, 2011 at 2:27 pm #4511
Hi new friends!
I’ve posted the first line(s) of my current YA piece, as well as another (non-YA) WIP.
Sunday Phillips resisted the urge to pry open her husband’s casket, yank the diamond studded ring off his cold lifeless finger, and cram it down the throat of his mistress sniveling in the first row.
(YA) The pounding in Maddie’s chest intensified as she felt for her mother’s pulse. She wasn’t dead.
I’ll comment on the other first lines in a new post. 😉August 25, 2011 at 2:29 pm #4512
@tracy Rohlfing – Interesting post! I like your first sentence. I could easily picture the description. As others have stated, it might be strengthened by infusing it with her feelings of leaving the city. Is she relieved? Saddened? Numb? Saying why she is feeling that way isn’t important yet, but expressing it stimulates stronger interest. I love the imagery you’ve created in just one sentence.
@jenn – I like the feel of your opening sentence. It makes it clear to the reader that they are about to delve into a Princess world. Taking out the word ‘had’ omits passive voice. I agree with others who’ve pointed out the sentence is slightly wordy. I feel omitting ‘and was’ and ‘much’ would remedy that. I’m intrigued! I want to know about Arianna.
@heidi – I wouldn’t change a thing. This line creates a strong image and made me laugh.
@laura – This is intriguing. Perhaps you could expound on it just a tad. Maybe clarify how she feels about him being everywhere she is. Does it distress or frighten her, or makes her tingle with excitement? It would pique a stronger interest if I knew how she felt about his presence.
@nefaerious – I really like your first sentence. It makes me want to read more—to know why her hands are trembling.
@Jani – Your first sentence gets right to the point. I likey!
@lyrwriter – Good opening sentence(s). Gives a good feel for your character.
@theresa – I really like the voice of your first sentence. I agree with lyrwriter—it might be strengthened by changing it from a question to a declarative sentence.
@kaylinn57 – I’m not sure what ‘the ring’ is, but it’s piqued my interest! One suggestion: You might omit ‘almost-complete’ from the latter part of the sentence. It makes it slightly wordy and isn’t really needed. Stating she had a meltdown is sufficient. I would definitely read more.
@jessicafriday – I’m left wondering why Marcus is shouting – and why he’s on a fallen tree. I have two small suggestions. If he is shouting, you might want to use an exclamation point. Also – by using this punctuation, you eliminate the need for the dialogue tag. “Come on, Will!” Marcus stepped out onto the fallen tree.
Yikes! I just realized there are several pages to this post, so I’ll have to comment on some of the others a little later. LOLAugust 25, 2011 at 2:29 pm #4513
Hey, y’all! Any chance we could get a new thread going with revised sentences (if applicable)? Who’s up for it? 🙂August 25, 2011 at 6:47 pm #4514
Hey guys. Here’s a first lines contest hosted by the YA Highway. I would have loved to participate but it’s for US/Canada only.
If you decide to enter, good luck!August 26, 2011 at 1:15 am #4515
Thanks for the link, Jani. Glad I ran across this post and was able to revise so I could enter!September 1, 2011 at 6:08 pm #4516
Okay, here we go.
My first sentence from my YA adventure project:
“The battery of my flashlight dies.”
“My flashlight´s battery dies.”September 1, 2011 at 11:33 pm #4517
@fabienne – Hm.. I think the first one would be better read as ‘The battery in my flashlight dies.’ And “My flashlight’s battery dies.” is kind of hard to say, so I prefer the first one 🙂September 3, 2011 at 12:33 pm #4518
Hey guys. I’m busy writing a new first chapter for my YA and would like your thoughts on my new first line. Here it is:
“The feel of the knife going into my side was what made me realize this was really happening.”September 3, 2011 at 3:51 pm #4519
@jessicafriday Okay, not of but in. Thanks! (Geez, English´s so hard sometimes :D)
@Jani I like the action in your first sentence, promises an interesting story. But I think it doesn´t sound natural. Maybe it too long, I´d write it like this “I only realized what was happening, when I suddenly felt the cold steel of a knife in my side.” Something like this 😉
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