I Need Help!

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  • #3473

    dorothy
    Participant

    I am going to be self-publishing my very first book soon and this is my synopsis. I really would like feedback on it. What do you guys think? Is it interesting? Does it need more? Thank you!

    (Revised Synopsis)
    In a time of war, a sixteen-year-old girl has been chosen to stop otherworldly evil forces from raising an army of the undead. For Tamin Moon, starting her junior year of high school by finding a locket from the father she never knew wasn’t exactly what she had in mind.

    Once she’s opened the locket, little does Tamin know that she will unleash a great, ancient power, and unwittingly place herself at the center of an ages old conflict. Thanks to her new found power, Tamin is now the missing puzzle piece that both side needs to win the coming war. But Tamin must choose wisely, because even the seemingly good guys have dark motives, and in a world that shouldn’t exist, not even the man whom she is coming to love can be trusted.

    #5936

    merylf
    Participant

    Hi Dorothy,

    Dump the first sentence. It’s too non-specific. The next sentence is good, but the rest is, again, non-specific and confusing.

    When her unknown father’s locket turns up, Tamin Moon is thinking only of the father she never knew. But when she opens the locket she releases an ancient power, bent on renewing an ages old conflict between X and Y.

    Armed with the power of the locket, Tamin is on the run from both sides. In a world that shouldn’t exist, Tamin must choose sides, but how can she choose when she can’t trust anyone, not even the man she loves?

    Something like that.

    #5937

    jabberwocky3
    Participant

    This might be persnickty… but here are my thoughts.

    I think the first sentence of the first paragraph and the first sentence of the second paragraph are saying the same thing and if there not, then for me I’m confused. As it stands, I think the locket has put Tamin in the throne of being the chosen one, has started the war and given her powers? (That’s one hell of a locket, where can I get one? :D)

    “Ages old Conflict” doesn’t jive right, try saying it outloud. Is there a synonym you could replace ages with, maybe millenium old or centuries old.

    Does Tamin create the war or is the war already en route? From this synopsis it sounds like the locket creates the war. It’s a central artifact, you need to specifiy that more.

    How essential is it to the storyline that Tamin doesn’t know her father? If it isn’t essential to the storyline, nicks it in the synopsis.

    I agree with Dorothy that most of this seems non-specific.

    The reader needs to know the basic elements of this: Tamin’s role as the MC heroine, the locket’s power/purpose, the war already there or coming, and if its essential to the storyline, the relationship between Tamin and this man she is falling for. I think your last sentence is a good speal: But Tamin must choose wisely, because even the seemingly good guys have dark motives, and in a world that shouldn’t exist, not even the man whom she is coming to love can be trusted.

    Thanks! I hope this helps – Erica

    #5938

    zr2005
    Participant

    You both have given great suggestions.
    Here is my two cents.
    1. The protagonist should be named right at the beginning,
    2. For a synopsis, the general rule is to use the present tense.

    #5939

    katrina
    Participant

    The first thing that threw me was this : For Tamin Moon, starting her junior year of high school by finding a locket from the father she never knew wasn’t exactly what she had in mind.

    I found myself wonder what’s the big deal about finding a locket. I like the idea of “starting her junior year of high school by…….wasn’t exactly what she had in mind” I just don’t think it should apply to finding the locket because the word locket doesn’t carry any emotional impact. I think it would be better used with the thought that she didn’t expect to unleash dark powers, or become a pawn in an war not her own…etc.

    Sounds like a fun read though!

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