Irikar, Act 1 Bit 1

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  • #3033

    mwgcshad0fx
    Participant

    Unus Act I

    Irikar felt the sharp pain in his gut, the force slamming him into a large oak behind him. The arrow large, piercing straight through him. He reached down, wrapping his hands around the shaft of the large arrow that pierced his stomach. He felt warm liquid pool up and drip from his hands. He looked down at the wooden shaft exiting the wound on his stomach. His blood staining his glove, and the tunic under his leather armor.

    #4888

    laura
    Keymaster

    I’m bumping this to the top of the queue! @mwgcshad0fx Can you tell us a little more about your story and what you would like help with?

    #4889

    xaenyth
    Participant

    Repetition seems to be an issue here. You use gut, stomach, then stomach again twice. In the second sentence you used “arrow large, piercing…” The next sentence, “the large arrow that pierced…”

    I’m not sure what you’re trying to achieve with this opening, but I was distracted by the repetition and had a hard time getting past it.

    It sounds like you might have something good underneath it. It’s hard to tell yet.

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