August 17, 2011 at 2:31 am #3007
Shall we post some delicious snippets from our works-in-progress?August 17, 2011 at 2:02 pm #4667
This is from my steampunk romance The Treasure Hunter’s Lady. They MMC & FMC are on an airship, on their way to hunt for a lost treasure. This is after when the FMC is attacked by an evil henchman who tried to sabotage the ship.
“Never mind that. Why did he attack you?” He took her by the shoulders and turned her toward him. She avoided his eyes. “For God’s sake, Romy, tell me what happened.”
“He didn’t like that I wouldn’t tell him anymore about the Soul. The captain is taking care of the details.”
Where had he been? Sleeping while she was in trouble. Elliot might have done a lot worse than lay a hand on her. Hot rage settled in Abel’s stomach—both at himself and at the man who’d hurt her. “I’ll kill him.”
Romy grabbed his arm. “Don’t. Van Buren won’t let him get out of that room. I don’t want anyone to fight over me. It doesn’t even hurt. Abel.”
His name was like a signal that made him come to his senses. Of course killing Elliot wasn’t the answer. It might make him feel better temporarily, but the real issue was making sure Romy wasn’t hurt worse than she let on.
She shivered. Pity welled up in Abel. He took her in his arms where she put her head on his collarbone, in the exact spot where the serpent tattoo laid its head.August 18, 2011 at 4:11 pm #4668
This is toward the beginning of Look at the Stars, which is basically the typical romance. I wrote basically all that I have in high school, and this is still my first draft, so… be hard on it lol. She’s just in school. They had a boring senior meeting just before this section. I decided this would be a good section to share, since this is when she first meets a man who quickly wedges himself into her life.
The next two hours passed pretty quickly, and I went to my locker to grab my text for my third hour class. The substitutes had been making us do work straight out of the book.
Somebody tapped me on the shoulder. “Hey. I think you dropped your pen.”
I turned around shocked for two reasons: 1) someone was actually talking to me—the invisible obstacle—and 2) that I had dropped my pen. I never drop my pen. I was shocked for a third reason when I turned around and saw one of the most attractive guys I had ever seen holding up my pen with a very amused face.
I instinctively pulled the black hoody I always wore over my fingers and stammered, “Umm… yeah. That’s my pen alright.” I reached for it and pulled it out of his fingers before turning around back to my locker, expecting the blue-eyed blond to just walk away, and I’d never see him again. I would go back to being invisible.
But life was cruel.
“So, I’ve never seen you before. Of course, I’ve only been here for a few hours, but that’s beside the point. What’s your name?”
I shut my locker a little bit too hard and turned to face the interruption of my normal, invisible, life. “That’s because I’m invisible.”
He chuckled, “Invisible? I see you just fine.”
“You’re not supposed to. I live quietly, and my purpose is to just sit there silent until nobody even notices me anymore. I’ve been doing it since ninth grade.”
He looked like he was mulling that over in his head. Figuring that since he was blond, it would take awhile, I began to walk away. “I have a class to get to.”
The blond followed me. “What’s your next class?”
“English. Now, can I get back to my invisibility?”
He smiled, “No. Go to class. I would hate for you to be tardy. By the way, you have a new teacher if you had Mrs. Hilks.” He turned and walked to the science room. I was hoping I’d never see that annoyance again.
As I said, though; life is cruel.August 20, 2011 at 3:14 am #4669
This is good and tight and snappy. The dialogue is clean and sharp. Needed a comma here and there, but for the most part, this was nice and tight and I liked the characters. The girl is dark but we know better, the guy is sweet, with so much potential. Makes me want to read it, so good job.August 20, 2011 at 3:19 am #4670
This is from my novel Binding Demons (is that allowed here? I didn’t see if paranormal romance is?) WARNING: CUSSING
“Man I miss…Sarah’s homemade lemonade…and those shoulder rubs…mmmm, mm, I could…sure use one right about now,” Johnson huffed behind me.
Okay, that was it. I stopped walking and turned. “Johnson—I like you. But if you say that name one more time…” I looked around the desert dunes and gritted my teeth. “I’ll have your ass demoted.”
“What? Sarge, you can’t—what you got against my be-lov-ed Sa-rah?”
I lowered my head and shook it, wishing he wouldn’t rap every goddamn thing. “Nothing Johnson, but it’s too damn hot. And this gear is too damn heavy. And my body is too—fucking tired, to bear that orgasm you have every time you say her name.”
The men erupted in snickered laughter.
“You can’t de-mote me for lov-in on my baby. If you saw her, you’d know what I’m sayin.”
I nodded a few times, “You’re right, but I can and will shoot you in your dick,” I locked my freaky eyes on him, knowing the hazel one said normal, but the bright blue one branded with a music note screamed psychopathic tendencies.
“Oh ho ho,” Rory laughed on my left, “promises promises.”
Lifting my shoulder, I wiped my face, wondering why that weird nagging feeling in my navel wasn’t letting up. “Five minutes,” I breathed, dropping to my knees, not bothering with formalities. The men groaned in appreciation and did the same.
“Where the fuck is this rendezvous point, we’re out in the middle of nothing,” Johnson gasped.
“Looks like it might be the gates of Hell,” Woods mumbled, “Ole Lucy’s pad.”
Rory muttered and spit. “My damn water’s nearly boiling.” His heavy Texas drawl made him sound more amazed than upset.
“I didn’t sign up for this shit,” Johnson said.
I snorted a light chuckle, pouring some of my own hot water in my hands, “nobody signs up for this,” I mumbled, splashing my face.
A tingle flicked my navel again and I searched the dune ridges. They were getting more frequent. I looked back at my brooding gunman, Burkly who always wore that shitty life glower. He reminded me of myself except I hid that look just under a well developed calm.
“I mean, why the hell send five men on reconnaissance in the middle of the ocean?” Johnson cried.
Woods deep laughter boomed. “The ocean! Dude, your ass is so fried.”
“Look around!” Johnson squealed, “all that’s missin is the water and the fish. Forever in every damn direction, dune after dune after damn dune, I can’t take it, I just wish I was–”
“Don’t say it Johnson,” I warned lightly.
“Aint nothin but the truth so help me Gawd.”
Rory snorted. “You’re not the only cowboy with a woman back home, but you don’t hear me bellyaching all over the dang desert about it.”August 20, 2011 at 4:02 am #4671
@allisonmerritt me likey! I would read more of that!
@zdemarco Hi Dawn! I only thought a couple of spots were awkward (the 4th paragraph where she’s turning around…felt a little clunky to me with the numbered list, and then almost sounded like she turns around twice?). I’m thinking you’re really great with characters…I got a nice YA tone from your geekish/smarty/funny MC. I also thought your dialogue was well-paced, which makes me think the rest of your MS is. Nice!
@abigalboone welcome welcome! yup, all romance is allowed here 😀 (though there is a different forum for erotica). Ok, are these guys (and gal) like…demon hunting military?!? I LOVE demons. I LOVE military stuff. Please expound 😀August 20, 2011 at 2:49 pm #4672
@miranda reese Damn Miranda, you make me want to change my entire plot to fit that idea! How cool that would be! And you said, gal, which one seems like a gal? LOL. I hate when I have sex confusion. How about I just post the next snippet and let you see because I could sure use a fresh eye on my opening. Tell me what you’re getting and understanding, I won’t tell you and spoil the ability for you to see if the writing is showing what I need it to.August 21, 2011 at 2:46 am #4674
I am sooo glad that I got good notes on that scene. It’s probably my favorite and best written in the whole book lol. As for the list, is there anyway to portray the same feel without it?
I see what you mean by turning around twice. I need to edit that. Basically, she’s shocked by the voice and then shocked again when she turns to see the hot guy looking at her.August 21, 2011 at 6:41 am #4675
@zdemarco I kind of like the list, as long as it doesn’t drag. As for the turning around twice thing – it makes more sense when you write chronological. like – was she shocked before she turned around? and the third reason she was shocked should be mentioned after she turns around.
I don’t like to line edit too much, but sometimes it’s the best way for me to figure out what I’m trying to say. Here’s an example of what I mean (I also cut a bit to shorten number two).
So something similar to:
I froze against the locker, shocked because 1) someone was actually talking to me—the invisible obstacle—and 2) I never drop my pen. When I managed to turn around I was shocked for a third reason: the hottest guy I had ever seen held up my pen with a very amused face.August 21, 2011 at 2:42 pm #4676
I startled at the voice, shocked for two reasons: 1) someone was actually talking to me—the invisible obstacle—and 2) that I had dropped my pen. I never drop my pen. I was shocked for a third reason when I turned around and saw one of the hottest guys I had ever seen holding up my pen with a very amused smile.
Face just seemed awkward. I worked on this a little bit last night and actually colored it red, because all I had changed was “startled” from what it was, but it still didn’t seem right. Now it’s a little bit better 🙂 Thoughts? Especially about “face.” Should I keep “smile” as “face”?August 21, 2011 at 7:51 pm #4677
@ Dawn, now I’m going to drive you crazy with this but it seems as though you are referencing the wrong subject. In other words,
“..saw one of the hottest guys I had ever seen holding up my pen with a very amused smile.”
It sounds as though the pen is the subject of your prepositional phrase, as though it has an “amused smile”. Of course I know that’s not what you mean, but I wonder if the subject is in the wrong place with your phrase. Know what I mean?
I think that this puts your subject and prepositional phrase together:
“…saw one of the hottest guys I had ever seen, a very amused smile on his face as he held up my pen.” or make it two sentences: “…saw one of the hottest guys I had ever seen hold up my pen. There was an amused smile on his face.”
I agree smile works better than face, unless you’re saying the smile on his face as above.
Boy, do I hate line editing!August 25, 2011 at 12:19 am #4678
@abigailboone I too love the military thing too… this sounds like it would almost fit right in with what i’m working on. I agree with Miranda… i too thought that one of them, maybe the narrator was a female. Not sure why after going back to read it, but it came across that way. Don’t know what you’re going for in the plot but it wold be really cool if the Sarge was a woman. She could be one badass chick! Anyway, would love to see more.September 2, 2011 at 6:43 pm #4679
This is the very first paragraphs from a story I’m working on called Saving Sara. I tend to be a bit off when starting a story so can you tell me if this is a good place to start? Does it hold your interest and make you want to keep turning pages?
The bright cheerful sunshine that warmed his hat covered head was a complete contradiction of the turmoil roiling around in Dustin’s gut. The bruises he’d seen on Sara’s pale skin that morning had made his gut burn but if he said anything about it she’d know he’d seen her in little more than her birthday suit. He hadn’t meant to look but he’d nearly fallen off the roof while cleaning the gutters on the back side of the ranch house and her curtains were open and…
Dustin shook his head, angry with himself but even angrier at Jarvis. The man didn’t know what he had, didn’t know what a wonderful woman he was married to. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen evidence of his boss’s temper on Sara but seeing the extent of the bruising on her body today filled him with barely controlled rage.
“Dusty!” Jarvis Travers yelled from the head of the line of horses, jerking Dustin’s attention back to the task at hand. A wild eyed cow was trying to make a run for freedom and was charging right toward his end of the line. Dustin pulled hard on his mount’s reins and spun the chestnut gelding around just in time to cut into the cow’s path, effectively turning her back toward the rest of the herd.
Dustin glanced up the line and found Jarvis grinning at him with that good-ol’-boy grin that Dustin knew was fake. It was a grin that manipulated and controlled all the while pretending to be friendly. The only reason he kept working for the guy was because the money was good, real good, and because he’d hate himself if he left and something happened to Sara. Not that he was doing her any good by being around but he knew deep down that if she was really in danger he’d step in and take the blows for her.
“You daydreaming, boy?” Jarvis spat a stream of brown tobacco juice into the dusty dirt at his horse’s feet.
“No Sir, just not seein’ real clear with the sun in my eyes.” Dustin replied, trying to keep his distain for the man from showing. At one time he’d held a great deal of respect for Jarvis Travers but that was before Sara came into the picture.
“Get yourself some shades then so you can keep your mind on the job ‘fore you get yourself trampled.” Jarvis slapped Dustin on the shoulder and spit another stream of tobacco into the dirt as he rode back to the front of the line. Dustin had to keep himself from childishly wiping the man’s touch from his shirt.September 8, 2011 at 6:44 pm #4680
I started picking up interest with your second sentence. I’m not sure the first one is needed. Gut burn, in second sentence, says it better than comparing stomach sensations to cheerful sunshine. Consider a period after gut burn.September 12, 2011 at 2:49 am #4681
Thank you Robin 🙂 great suggestion.
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