June 14, 2016 at 2:18 pm #6902
I’m looking for CPs or Betas to help me out with my manuscript, titled THE GIRL WHO WAS ORDINARY, UNTIL SHE WASN’T. It’s a light sci-fi story that takes place half in reality, and half in a virtual reality world. At the moment, it sits at about 80k words. The entire thing is told in a quirky, Lemony Snicket-style voice.
Here’s the query/summary:
Fifteen-year-old Jane Hale has two hundred and eighty three days left to do something extraordinary, or she’ll need to find herself a new set of parents. She doesn’t have to save the world or anything, mind you, but if she doesn’t give the Hales at least one interesting story to share with their relatives, they’re cutting their losses and trading her in for a less-boring daughter.
Luckily for Jane, “interesting” is what her new friend Billy does best. He’s an awkward hug away from admitting he’s her boyfriend; unfortunately, he’s also addicted to a virtual reality world that’s being terrorized by a villain run amok. It’s simple, really; all Jane has to do is infiltrate the virtual world as Billy’s spy, to help him apprehend the fiend. In exchange, Billy promises a much-needed new identity.
Things get considerably less simple when Jane fails in her task . . . and accidentally starts a virtual war in the process. She needs Billy’s help to set things straight, which is rather inconvenient, as he’s managed to disappear from both worlds when things are at their worst. Desperate, Jane must go offline, teaming up with the hated villain on an international mission to bring Billy home. Along the way, they discover a chilling secret about the virtual world she’s come to love.
And she’ll have just one chance to rescue her boyfriend, save her world, and figure out if being ordinary is really so bad after all.
And here’s the first 250 words:
There was absolutely nothing special about Jane.
Jane Hale was as ordinary as could be, from her mouse-brown hair to the toes of her plain canvas shoes. She never took home an A+ from school, never scored the winning goal, never went to the big parties and never even tried to disobey her parents. Of course, the Hales were always there, from her not-so-terrible twos, right up to her not-so-troublesome pre-teen years, reminding her of what a special little girl she was. Mr. and Mrs. Hale beamed and coaxed and fussed, and they always claimed to take pride in their daughter’s overwhelmingly dull life.
For years, Mr. and Mrs. Hale fought off tears of boredom every time they thought about Jane. And so they tried desperately to change their daughter’s ways. They signed her up for music lessons (she could almost play the piano), bought her exotic pets (she was afraid of all of them) and even enrolled her in private school (the addition of a school uniform only made her more difficult to locate in a crowd). It was no use. Jane’s blandness defied them year after year.
But this year was going to be different.
At precisely 8:00 AM on the morning of September the 4th, Jane’s bedroom door swung open and Jane skidded out into the hallway, tugging at her pleated skirt and pulling up her knee-high socks. Can’t be late, she thought to herself as she raced across the purple hardwood floor toward the stairs. Oh no, oh, no, oh no.
I finished this novel two years ago as a 105k YA sci-fi. I sent it to a handful of agents and contests, got some interested responses, and ended up being told – almost universally – that the book needed to be cut down to below 75k words and aged down to an Upper MG/early YA market. Then I got so frustrated by the prospect of dealing with all that that I threw it into a drawer for two years and didn’t look at it.
I’m looking for any kind of edits you can give me, whether they be closing major plot holes, spicing up characters, removing jokes that don’t work, or just giving an opinion on what could be better. I’m absolutely willing to have more than one CP, and I’ll read pretty much anything in return.
Let me know if you’re interested!June 15, 2016 at 5:46 am #6903
Hi, I am interested to beta read your work. Please contact me if you are in need of one still.June 17, 2016 at 9:48 am #6907
Hi! Your novel sounds really fun and interesting! If you’re still looking for a CP or beta read, I’d love to exchange chapters with you. I’m working on a YA thriller and am kind of in the same position as you. I finished my novel about two years ago, got frustrated and burned out and shelved it for awhile but am ready to tackle the edits again. Let me know if you’re interested!July 15, 2016 at 8:55 pm #6938
Your book sounds very funny and I like virtual reality. Are you still looking for a critique partner? I have a description of a young adult fantasy book in my profile. You can message me if you’re interested in exchanging first chapters.
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.